a hundred degrees

SBC and MLS announce alliance

Admitting the need for passion in the stands, Major League Soccer today announced their partnership for growth with the Southern Baptist Convention. A spokesman for the eleven-year-old league told reporters, "There is a venue in this country where grown men and families stand, sing, wave their hands, and use language they never use elsewhere: Church. To achieve the alpha-state trance of worship is what many of the grass roots supporters groups have sought with only beer and some televised European soccer as inspiration. We appreciate their past efforts, but they simply do not have the experience or resources to raise the atmosphere of the MLS experience to compelling levels of excitement. It's time to bring in the heavy-weights."

The SBC also expressed pleasure with the partnership noting the opportunities to promote physical and emotional well being in their constituent churches. Already a Sunday school curriculum featuring Landon Donovan called "Embrace the Saviour," complementing MLS' current advertising campaign is being distributed to enrolled congregations.

J.P. Sparks, Senior Minister of Music for First Baptist Church, Dallas, discussed some of the ways he was working on the task of filling Pizza Hut Park with the spirit. "We will make Saturday as holy as Sunday with two hours of praise songs reverberating around all our new Soul-Saving-Stadium. Sure, the songs will be modified a little, but the message will be clear for those with ears to hear. Our older crowd are preparing classic hymns like 'Standing on the Promises of AEG' and 'What a Friend We Have in Pepsi.' The younger crowd will enjoy simple substitutions such as 'goalie' for 'holy' in many choruses such as 'I Want to Be Goalie.'"

Apparently the Baptists are not the only holy rollers hot to get into "the safe sport." The Mormon Tabernacle Choir are rumored to be preparing a special version of the "Hallelujah Chorus" for Real Salt Lake's first goal at home this season, expected during June when opposing teams are playing with squads weakened by the World Cup.